i'm so glad that finals are OVER! :]
time to partyyyy...but not really. got a lot of shit to get done.
i think i'm being really childish and bitchy right now. i don't know if it's because i'm tired or really unhappy with the way life is right now. maybe it's a little of both. i hate that my confidants are so far away. i need to make some at berkeley. people who i know will practically be there for me whenever i need them and not ditch me or ignore me when they feel like. sometimes, i just don't understand it, but it could be the way i am. i just can't keep a stable line of friends. it's too hard or maybe i'm just too stubborn. i wish i could write out all my thoughts, to the littlest detail, but at the same time, i feel that if i ever want to share this, i don't want some people reading certain things. it's hard to express yourself when you're surrounded by people that only judge your every move.
honestly, how do people constanly stay optimistic and happy in life? why can i not do that? why must i be such a pessimist?
let's try optimism.
this summer is going to be great. minus the econ class. i think korean should be fun. long, tedious, difficult, but fun for sure! can't wait to spend time with some quality friends too! too bad KB and gege are so far away! then jiejie who is across the darn country! :[
this is going to be a summer of change. i'm going to grow up, learn to focus myself and apply myself and be honest and dedicated. i need to stop doing whatever i feel like, whenever i feel like because it doesn't only affect me. i realize a lot of the stuff i do is really selfish and i need to grow out of that phase. i guess being babied by my family has rubbed off and i'm starting to take it for granted. i say, NO MORE! -_-'' lol, but seriously.
i'm exhausted. why am i up at this hour? i hope i wake up in time to do all the things i need to do tomorrow. good thing i took off of work or i'd be royally screwed. :[
oh, so i went to a friend's party today. smart of me to carry my DL and $50 because i ended up losing them out of my pocket. i have no idea if i lost it walking or at the apartment, but all i know, i can't find it. second time i lost my DL. i'm so stupid...i'm always losing things. I need a better head on my shoulders or something because the one I have is just not working out for me. :[
gonna go finish reading wicked for now. maybe i'll update later.
i don't know if anyone will ever see this blog, but if i do one day make it public...
CONGRATULATIONS ON GRADUATING CLASS OF 2009! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS! Especially you Mishu! :] You're really going to go on and do amazing things! I have so much confidence in your abilities to be great. :) make us proud!
nightts.
---oh.capricious
Friday, May 22, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
8 hours later...
After I blogged last night, I went to sleep and woke up feeling the same shitty feeling. Usually after sleeping, I feel a lot better because lack of sleep just puts me in a bad mood. That or ugly weather. But, I slept and the sun shining outside isn't curing my sadness. Maybe it's the stress of finals? I hope so. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be rich. I don't want all the things in the world. I don't want expensive things. I just want to be happy. That's honestly, the only thing I want. At the same time, I'm feeling a bit better. A bit relieved that I wrote out my thoughts, finally, after so many years.
Anyways. I feel like talking about happier things.
Yesterday, I had a 'picnic' in front of VLSB with some friends. It was absolutely wonderful to just relax and not worry. TOO bad I got no studying done. Afterwards, we went to grab yogurtland, which is quite refreshing on a hot day, except that it melts super fast. Later that night, went karaoking. I realize, it's not my thing, but I always go. I don't why. I guess I don't like being left out of things and go just to be with friends. It was still fun. The girls have amazing voices, the guys...they're entertaining haha.
I really can't wait until I get the last two finals over with, even though I'm only getting like a weekend of summer before I start summer school. It's okay though. At least it's only one class at a time, sort of. I'm really excited to learn Korean. Hopefully, I can learn Japanese later in life, too. I need to work on improving my Mandarin over the summer, too. Otherwise, I'm really going to be screwed in Chinese 100.
I feel pretty random when I write. I just write about whatever comes to mind. Lately, I've been really into makeup. I wish I could get better at it, but I'm only so-so. I read blogs and watch you-tube videos. They're actually pretty entertaining and some of the girls are really good. They're pretty artistic, too. I wish I could be good at something. It seems like everyone has at least one thing that they excel at whether in studies, extracurriculars, or something random. However, I don't have any of that. I'm really an AVERAGE person, at best, maybe even less than average. I want to find something to do, to set me apart.
Maybe I'll learn piano or guitar. I've always wanted to be able to play those instruments. I'm really musically challenged though. When I sing, I'm off pitch and sound horrible. Maybe that's why I don't like going karaoke because I don't like singing in front of people with my bad voice. I like singing though, when no one's around. Dancing, too.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm here procrastinating. ARGH.
Alright.
Time to . . .
get back to it.
---oh.capricious
Anyways. I feel like talking about happier things.
Yesterday, I had a 'picnic' in front of VLSB with some friends. It was absolutely wonderful to just relax and not worry. TOO bad I got no studying done. Afterwards, we went to grab yogurtland, which is quite refreshing on a hot day, except that it melts super fast. Later that night, went karaoking. I realize, it's not my thing, but I always go. I don't why. I guess I don't like being left out of things and go just to be with friends. It was still fun. The girls have amazing voices, the guys...they're entertaining haha.
I really can't wait until I get the last two finals over with, even though I'm only getting like a weekend of summer before I start summer school. It's okay though. At least it's only one class at a time, sort of. I'm really excited to learn Korean. Hopefully, I can learn Japanese later in life, too. I need to work on improving my Mandarin over the summer, too. Otherwise, I'm really going to be screwed in Chinese 100.
I feel pretty random when I write. I just write about whatever comes to mind. Lately, I've been really into makeup. I wish I could get better at it, but I'm only so-so. I read blogs and watch you-tube videos. They're actually pretty entertaining and some of the girls are really good. They're pretty artistic, too. I wish I could be good at something. It seems like everyone has at least one thing that they excel at whether in studies, extracurriculars, or something random. However, I don't have any of that. I'm really an AVERAGE person, at best, maybe even less than average. I want to find something to do, to set me apart.
Maybe I'll learn piano or guitar. I've always wanted to be able to play those instruments. I'm really musically challenged though. When I sing, I'm off pitch and sound horrible. Maybe that's why I don't like going karaoke because I don't like singing in front of people with my bad voice. I like singing though, when no one's around. Dancing, too.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm here procrastinating. ARGH.
Alright.
Time to . . .
get back to it.
---oh.capricious
On my mind
♫ Magnetic North - Drift Away
It's finals time, again! And what am I doing up at 5am? What more than my usual procrastination. I guess at least this may help me clear up my head.
Honestly, I tried really hard to be a good student this semester. I wanted it to work, but I lose motivation so quickly. Is it because I don't enjoy my major as much as I say I do? I like learning Chinese (hopefully, the same will go for Korean this summer), but I do NOT like the PEIS core classes. IF I had the chance. I would go back to when I was a freshmen and RESTART everything about my college career. There's so much I wish I could redo. I would NOT be a PEIS major, would NOT have failed so many classes, would NOT have done all the regretful things I have done. Actually, rewind to high school, I WOULD have applied to schools outside of CA and the UC system. I'm not saying I'm not enjoying Berkeley, I guess I just feel, it's not the best environment for me to learn to mature. It's the same as it's been since elementary.
I hope I make the best of senior year. 3 years gone to waste. It hasn't been the best it could, but I guess not the worst either.
ARGH, I can't express what I'm feeling in words right now. Everything is just a huge jumble.
I guess reading over KB's blog, makes me want to try this method of relieving my problems because I don't feel I can discuss it with anyone else and even if I did, I'd end up regretting it. I am a huge hypocrit because I tell people not to keep things bottled in all the time, yet I do. I hate fake people, but I feel like I'm one of the fakest people around. I'm never who I really want to be around people. I really am not a happy person. Thinking about it, it's kind of depressing. I want to be happy, I want to get along with people, I want the best out of life. Only, somehow I find ways to prevent that from happening.
I love my college friends. They're fun to hang with and make life a lot more bearable. However, I don't feel like I connect with any of them on a more personal level. They don't know my likes and dislikes, my fears, they don't know me. I guess that's a little difficult when I'm really unwilling to open up to people.
I guess it goes back to elementary. I don't know how many people know about these things and I've never bothered to them. Elementary was good. Kindergarten was awesome, I made friends with two girls and we bonded fast. First grade, I met KB, 2nd and 3rd went smoothly. That was, until 4th grade when my first friend left the country for a year and I was left a little out of place. I went to school with majority Filipino. I was Chinese, so I didn't exactly fit in. We just grew up in different environments. Anyway, I became the "teacher's pet" in fourth grade. When my friend left, I thought life wouldn't change. I was wrong. After that, the group of 3, turned to a group of 2. My other friend joined her fellow Filipinos and I just became 1. At one point, two of them 3-way'd me and said "We don't want to be your friend anymore" and hung up. One had the nerve to call back and ask if the other hung up. I took it. I didn't understand why, but I had to accept it. Elementary was just hell after that.
Middle school, I thought would be a little different, but not. Basically, middle school was joining 2 elementary schools together. I still dealt with the same people + more. I made new friends and moved on with life. Then it happened, again. 7th grade. I can't recall a moment I did something bad, but I lost friends, again. One I never liked because she was a follower, and she followed them into not being my friend. The other two, just stopped, decided they did not want to be my friends anymore. They didn't give me a reason, just completely stopped talking to me. I was devasted, to say the least. I joined another group, one that influenced me in all the wrong ways. I became an "emo" and cut myself. We did it for...fun. Wow, how childish I was. The physical pain did not relieve my emotional pain, but masked it for awhile. Someone ratted me out (who I am grateful for, even if I wanted to slaughter them at that time). The counselor called me in, I lied, he let me off. Then he called me in again a week after, and called my mom. She was furious. I couldn't admit to her what was wrong. She had me write her a letter. I did. I explained how I felt about home. How I felt second place to my sister and that I could not achieve what she did. They expected too much from me and I just couldn't deliver. She read it. Basically, told me what I felt did not matter, and that I better not do it again. I figured, hey, different people are against me, so the problem has to be in me. I tried to change, so again, eventually, I moved on.
In high school, I made new friends freshmen year, who eventually would not shun me out completely, but preferred not to hangout with me on a daily basis. Somehow, this reconnected me with KB and some old elementary friends, who were all Chinese (basically, except for one). I think this is the reason why I prefer to hang out with East Asians. I just feel a stronger connection to them and I just don't want to risk getting hurt like in the past. However, I was wrong, it happened again. Honestly, this time, it WAS my fault. I pushed them away by being a BITCH. I won't lie, I'm like that a LOT. The divide continued to grow bigger and bigger as the years past, but by the time we graduated, we were alright. I can't say I could count on them, but at least I had a sense of security through this group of "friends".
AGAIN, I hoped college would be different. It was, it is. But I notice now, that whenever I lose friends or fight with them, it's typically my fault. I subconsciously find faults in them, that annoy me, and use it against them. I bitch, we fight, I ignore them, we ignore each other, then move on. I don't know why. I just can't keep friends. I guess, it's just not my thing?
I realize I don't like staying put. I don't like consistency. Okay, not that I don't like routine and having stability, I just get sick of things really easily. For example, boys. I've never really liked a boy longer than a couple of weeks. The dating may have lasted longer, but the feelings always disappeared by the third week.
I guess I still haven't found those friends I can depend on. The ones I turn to for everything, good or bad. I don't have that stability that others have. The friends they do everything with. I want it or maybe I don't. I've never had it, so maybe I just want what I can't have. If I got it, in the end, I'd probably grow to detest it. I don't know.
Honestly, I don't care about school. I don't care about furthering my education. I don't want to be stupid. I want to be knowledgeable, but I hate that school requires tests. I don't like doing what I'm told to do. I like doing things on my free accord and learning without constraints. Tests deter me from wanting to learn. Maybe, if there weren't tests, I would enjoy my major. I wouldn't feel the stress I have when writing papers, doing projects, or taking midterms and finals. The pressure from my parents, the competition from other students, the standards of Berkeley just are too much for me to handle sometimes.
I won't lie. I think about killing myself. I won't ever do it. I'm too scared or I would've done it in 7th grade. Plus, I think it's stupid. It's a waste of life. It's just sometimes, I get so depressed from the stress and loneliness, that I just feel ending it would be better. But then, I think about it and realize that's just stupid. I have a family, as strict as they are on me, as much as my parents love my sister more, they're still family and I can't do that to them. I'm pretty sure, or I'd at least hope, that they'd be devastated if I died. That thought, keeps me living.
I know the problems lie within me. I know I'm a bitch. I don't hide it, but I do. It's something I can't help. No one knows how hard I've tried to change. How much effort I put into becoming a better person. I just don't have the strength to do it.
I realize. My 'friends' like to joke a lot. Honestly, I do it, too. We say mean things to each other, but we don't mean it. At least I don't. But a lot of times, the things they say, gets me really sad. I'm really sensitive and self-conscious. I have a mole on the right side of my face under my eye, and I hate it. I don't like using the word hate, but i HATE it. In addition, I've always been a bigger Asian than most, especially my calves. I have really fat legs. My sister makes fun of me for it, and it hurts. I know it's how I am, but I wish I wasn't. I grew up wishing I was pretty, skinnier, and smarter. BUT, i'm not. I'm exactly opposite of my sister. She's smart, she's pretty, she's talented, she has the drive and desire to get far in life. I am nothing. I can see why my parents love her more. I'm just a problematic child with no direction in life.
I've never written this out before in detail. Never told anyone. I don't even know if I'll end up posting this.
I thought writing it would help, but I just feel shittier than I did before. I guess I will post it. It's there for people to find and read, but I won't actively be like "hey guys! this is my blog, check it out." At least, not now.
The sun is rising, the birds are chirping, I still have yet to start studying. A semester's worth of reading and lectures in 26 hours. I'm FUCKED, especially because I'm going to sleep after I finish this. I hope I wake up by 12, so I can finish my three responses by 4 or 5, then study 'til the wee hours of the morning in hopes of cramming as much as I can.
Goodnight, or shall I say goodmornin'.
The world does not stop for me, so I have to stop dreaming it will.
---oh.capricious
It's finals time, again! And what am I doing up at 5am? What more than my usual procrastination. I guess at least this may help me clear up my head.
Honestly, I tried really hard to be a good student this semester. I wanted it to work, but I lose motivation so quickly. Is it because I don't enjoy my major as much as I say I do? I like learning Chinese (hopefully, the same will go for Korean this summer), but I do NOT like the PEIS core classes. IF I had the chance. I would go back to when I was a freshmen and RESTART everything about my college career. There's so much I wish I could redo. I would NOT be a PEIS major, would NOT have failed so many classes, would NOT have done all the regretful things I have done. Actually, rewind to high school, I WOULD have applied to schools outside of CA and the UC system. I'm not saying I'm not enjoying Berkeley, I guess I just feel, it's not the best environment for me to learn to mature. It's the same as it's been since elementary.
I hope I make the best of senior year. 3 years gone to waste. It hasn't been the best it could, but I guess not the worst either.
ARGH, I can't express what I'm feeling in words right now. Everything is just a huge jumble.
I guess reading over KB's blog, makes me want to try this method of relieving my problems because I don't feel I can discuss it with anyone else and even if I did, I'd end up regretting it. I am a huge hypocrit because I tell people not to keep things bottled in all the time, yet I do. I hate fake people, but I feel like I'm one of the fakest people around. I'm never who I really want to be around people. I really am not a happy person. Thinking about it, it's kind of depressing. I want to be happy, I want to get along with people, I want the best out of life. Only, somehow I find ways to prevent that from happening.
I love my college friends. They're fun to hang with and make life a lot more bearable. However, I don't feel like I connect with any of them on a more personal level. They don't know my likes and dislikes, my fears, they don't know me. I guess that's a little difficult when I'm really unwilling to open up to people.
I guess it goes back to elementary. I don't know how many people know about these things and I've never bothered to them. Elementary was good. Kindergarten was awesome, I made friends with two girls and we bonded fast. First grade, I met KB, 2nd and 3rd went smoothly. That was, until 4th grade when my first friend left the country for a year and I was left a little out of place. I went to school with majority Filipino. I was Chinese, so I didn't exactly fit in. We just grew up in different environments. Anyway, I became the "teacher's pet" in fourth grade. When my friend left, I thought life wouldn't change. I was wrong. After that, the group of 3, turned to a group of 2. My other friend joined her fellow Filipinos and I just became 1. At one point, two of them 3-way'd me and said "We don't want to be your friend anymore" and hung up. One had the nerve to call back and ask if the other hung up. I took it. I didn't understand why, but I had to accept it. Elementary was just hell after that.
Middle school, I thought would be a little different, but not. Basically, middle school was joining 2 elementary schools together. I still dealt with the same people + more. I made new friends and moved on with life. Then it happened, again. 7th grade. I can't recall a moment I did something bad, but I lost friends, again. One I never liked because she was a follower, and she followed them into not being my friend. The other two, just stopped, decided they did not want to be my friends anymore. They didn't give me a reason, just completely stopped talking to me. I was devasted, to say the least. I joined another group, one that influenced me in all the wrong ways. I became an "emo" and cut myself. We did it for...fun. Wow, how childish I was. The physical pain did not relieve my emotional pain, but masked it for awhile. Someone ratted me out (who I am grateful for, even if I wanted to slaughter them at that time). The counselor called me in, I lied, he let me off. Then he called me in again a week after, and called my mom. She was furious. I couldn't admit to her what was wrong. She had me write her a letter. I did. I explained how I felt about home. How I felt second place to my sister and that I could not achieve what she did. They expected too much from me and I just couldn't deliver. She read it. Basically, told me what I felt did not matter, and that I better not do it again. I figured, hey, different people are against me, so the problem has to be in me. I tried to change, so again, eventually, I moved on.
In high school, I made new friends freshmen year, who eventually would not shun me out completely, but preferred not to hangout with me on a daily basis. Somehow, this reconnected me with KB and some old elementary friends, who were all Chinese (basically, except for one). I think this is the reason why I prefer to hang out with East Asians. I just feel a stronger connection to them and I just don't want to risk getting hurt like in the past. However, I was wrong, it happened again. Honestly, this time, it WAS my fault. I pushed them away by being a BITCH. I won't lie, I'm like that a LOT. The divide continued to grow bigger and bigger as the years past, but by the time we graduated, we were alright. I can't say I could count on them, but at least I had a sense of security through this group of "friends".
AGAIN, I hoped college would be different. It was, it is. But I notice now, that whenever I lose friends or fight with them, it's typically my fault. I subconsciously find faults in them, that annoy me, and use it against them. I bitch, we fight, I ignore them, we ignore each other, then move on. I don't know why. I just can't keep friends. I guess, it's just not my thing?
I realize I don't like staying put. I don't like consistency. Okay, not that I don't like routine and having stability, I just get sick of things really easily. For example, boys. I've never really liked a boy longer than a couple of weeks. The dating may have lasted longer, but the feelings always disappeared by the third week.
I guess I still haven't found those friends I can depend on. The ones I turn to for everything, good or bad. I don't have that stability that others have. The friends they do everything with. I want it or maybe I don't. I've never had it, so maybe I just want what I can't have. If I got it, in the end, I'd probably grow to detest it. I don't know.
Honestly, I don't care about school. I don't care about furthering my education. I don't want to be stupid. I want to be knowledgeable, but I hate that school requires tests. I don't like doing what I'm told to do. I like doing things on my free accord and learning without constraints. Tests deter me from wanting to learn. Maybe, if there weren't tests, I would enjoy my major. I wouldn't feel the stress I have when writing papers, doing projects, or taking midterms and finals. The pressure from my parents, the competition from other students, the standards of Berkeley just are too much for me to handle sometimes.
I won't lie. I think about killing myself. I won't ever do it. I'm too scared or I would've done it in 7th grade. Plus, I think it's stupid. It's a waste of life. It's just sometimes, I get so depressed from the stress and loneliness, that I just feel ending it would be better. But then, I think about it and realize that's just stupid. I have a family, as strict as they are on me, as much as my parents love my sister more, they're still family and I can't do that to them. I'm pretty sure, or I'd at least hope, that they'd be devastated if I died. That thought, keeps me living.
I know the problems lie within me. I know I'm a bitch. I don't hide it, but I do. It's something I can't help. No one knows how hard I've tried to change. How much effort I put into becoming a better person. I just don't have the strength to do it.
I realize. My 'friends' like to joke a lot. Honestly, I do it, too. We say mean things to each other, but we don't mean it. At least I don't. But a lot of times, the things they say, gets me really sad. I'm really sensitive and self-conscious. I have a mole on the right side of my face under my eye, and I hate it. I don't like using the word hate, but i HATE it. In addition, I've always been a bigger Asian than most, especially my calves. I have really fat legs. My sister makes fun of me for it, and it hurts. I know it's how I am, but I wish I wasn't. I grew up wishing I was pretty, skinnier, and smarter. BUT, i'm not. I'm exactly opposite of my sister. She's smart, she's pretty, she's talented, she has the drive and desire to get far in life. I am nothing. I can see why my parents love her more. I'm just a problematic child with no direction in life.
I've never written this out before in detail. Never told anyone. I don't even know if I'll end up posting this.
I thought writing it would help, but I just feel shittier than I did before. I guess I will post it. It's there for people to find and read, but I won't actively be like "hey guys! this is my blog, check it out." At least, not now.
The sun is rising, the birds are chirping, I still have yet to start studying. A semester's worth of reading and lectures in 26 hours. I'm FUCKED, especially because I'm going to sleep after I finish this. I hope I wake up by 12, so I can finish my three responses by 4 or 5, then study 'til the wee hours of the morning in hopes of cramming as much as I can.
Goodnight, or shall I say goodmornin'.
The world does not stop for me, so I have to stop dreaming it will.
---oh.capricious
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