On my mind

♫ Magnetic North - Drift Away

It's finals time, again! And what am I doing up at 5am? What more than my usual procrastination. I guess at least this may help me clear up my head.

Honestly, I tried really hard to be a good student this semester. I wanted it to work, but I lose motivation so quickly. Is it because I don't enjoy my major as much as I say I do? I like learning Chinese (hopefully, the same will go for Korean this summer), but I do NOT like the PEIS core classes. IF I had the chance. I would go back to when I was a freshmen and RESTART everything about my college career. There's so much I wish I could redo. I would NOT be a PEIS major, would NOT have failed so many classes, would NOT have done all the regretful things I have done. Actually, rewind to high school, I WOULD have applied to schools outside of CA and the UC system. I'm not saying I'm not enjoying Berkeley, I guess I just feel, it's not the best environment for me to learn to mature. It's the same as it's been since elementary.

I hope I make the best of senior year. 3 years gone to waste. It hasn't been the best it could, but I guess not the worst either.

ARGH, I can't express what I'm feeling in words right now. Everything is just a huge jumble.

I guess reading over KB's blog, makes me want to try this method of relieving my problems because I don't feel I can discuss it with anyone else and even if I did, I'd end up regretting it. I am a huge hypocrit because I tell people not to keep things bottled in all the time, yet I do. I hate fake people, but I feel like I'm one of the fakest people around. I'm never who I really want to be around people. I really am not a happy person. Thinking about it, it's kind of depressing. I want to be happy, I want to get along with people, I want the best out of life. Only, somehow I find ways to prevent that from happening.

I love my college friends. They're fun to hang with and make life a lot more bearable. However, I don't feel like I connect with any of them on a more personal level. They don't know my likes and dislikes, my fears, they don't know me. I guess that's a little difficult when I'm really unwilling to open up to people.

I guess it goes back to elementary. I don't know how many people know about these things and I've never bothered to them. Elementary was good. Kindergarten was awesome, I made friends with two girls and we bonded fast. First grade, I met KB, 2nd and 3rd went smoothly. That was, until 4th grade when my first friend left the country for a year and I was left a little out of place. I went to school with majority Filipino. I was Chinese, so I didn't exactly fit in. We just grew up in different environments. Anyway, I became the "teacher's pet" in fourth grade. When my friend left, I thought life wouldn't change. I was wrong. After that, the group of 3, turned to a group of 2. My other friend joined her fellow Filipinos and I just became 1. At one point, two of them 3-way'd me and said "We don't want to be your friend anymore" and hung up. One had the nerve to call back and ask if the other hung up. I took it. I didn't understand why, but I had to accept it. Elementary was just hell after that.

Middle school, I thought would be a little different, but not. Basically, middle school was joining 2 elementary schools together. I still dealt with the same people + more. I made new friends and moved on with life. Then it happened, again. 7th grade. I can't recall a moment I did something bad, but I lost friends, again. One I never liked because she was a follower, and she followed them into not being my friend. The other two, just stopped, decided they did not want to be my friends anymore. They didn't give me a reason, just completely stopped talking to me. I was devasted, to say the least. I joined another group, one that influenced me in all the wrong ways. I became an "emo" and cut myself. We did it for...fun. Wow, how childish I was. The physical pain did not relieve my emotional pain, but masked it for awhile. Someone ratted me out (who I am grateful for, even if I wanted to slaughter them at that time). The counselor called me in, I lied, he let me off. Then he called me in again a week after, and called my mom. She was furious. I couldn't admit to her what was wrong. She had me write her a letter. I did. I explained how I felt about home. How I felt second place to my sister and that I could not achieve what she did. They expected too much from me and I just couldn't deliver. She read it. Basically, told me what I felt did not matter, and that I better not do it again. I figured, hey, different people are against me, so the problem has to be in me. I tried to change, so again, eventually, I moved on.

In high school, I made new friends freshmen year, who eventually would not shun me out completely, but preferred not to hangout with me on a daily basis. Somehow, this reconnected me with KB and some old elementary friends, who were all Chinese (basically, except for one). I think this is the reason why I prefer to hang out with East Asians. I just feel a stronger connection to them and I just don't want to risk getting hurt like in the past. However, I was wrong, it happened again. Honestly, this time, it WAS my fault. I pushed them away by being a BITCH. I won't lie, I'm like that a LOT. The divide continued to grow bigger and bigger as the years past, but by the time we graduated, we were alright. I can't say I could count on them, but at least I had a sense of security through this group of "friends".

AGAIN, I hoped college would be different. It was, it is. But I notice now, that whenever I lose friends or fight with them, it's typically my fault. I subconsciously find faults in them, that annoy me, and use it against them. I bitch, we fight, I ignore them, we ignore each other, then move on. I don't know why. I just can't keep friends. I guess, it's just not my thing?

I realize I don't like staying put. I don't like consistency. Okay, not that I don't like routine and having stability, I just get sick of things really easily. For example, boys. I've never really liked a boy longer than a couple of weeks. The dating may have lasted longer, but the feelings always disappeared by the third week.

I guess I still haven't found those friends I can depend on. The ones I turn to for everything, good or bad. I don't have that stability that others have. The friends they do everything with. I want it or maybe I don't. I've never had it, so maybe I just want what I can't have. If I got it, in the end, I'd probably grow to detest it. I don't know.

Honestly, I don't care about school. I don't care about furthering my education. I don't want to be stupid. I want to be knowledgeable, but I hate that school requires tests. I don't like doing what I'm told to do. I like doing things on my free accord and learning without constraints. Tests deter me from wanting to learn. Maybe, if there weren't tests, I would enjoy my major. I wouldn't feel the stress I have when writing papers, doing projects, or taking midterms and finals. The pressure from my parents, the competition from other students, the standards of Berkeley just are too much for me to handle sometimes.

I won't lie. I think about killing myself. I won't ever do it. I'm too scared or I would've done it in 7th grade. Plus, I think it's stupid. It's a waste of life. It's just sometimes, I get so depressed from the stress and loneliness, that I just feel ending it would be better. But then, I think about it and realize that's just stupid. I have a family, as strict as they are on me, as much as my parents love my sister more, they're still family and I can't do that to them. I'm pretty sure, or I'd at least hope, that they'd be devastated if I died. That thought, keeps me living.

I know the problems lie within me. I know I'm a bitch. I don't hide it, but I do. It's something I can't help. No one knows how hard I've tried to change. How much effort I put into becoming a better person. I just don't have the strength to do it.

I realize. My 'friends' like to joke a lot. Honestly, I do it, too. We say mean things to each other, but we don't mean it. At least I don't. But a lot of times, the things they say, gets me really sad. I'm really sensitive and self-conscious. I have a mole on the right side of my face under my eye, and I hate it. I don't like using the word hate, but i HATE it. In addition, I've always been a bigger Asian than most, especially my calves. I have really fat legs. My sister makes fun of me for it, and it hurts. I know it's how I am, but I wish I wasn't. I grew up wishing I was pretty, skinnier, and smarter. BUT, i'm not. I'm exactly opposite of my sister. She's smart, she's pretty, she's talented, she has the drive and desire to get far in life. I am nothing. I can see why my parents love her more. I'm just a problematic child with no direction in life.

I've never written this out before in detail. Never told anyone. I don't even know if I'll end up posting this.

I thought writing it would help, but I just feel shittier than I did before. I guess I will post it. It's there for people to find and read, but I won't actively be like "hey guys! this is my blog, check it out." At least, not now.

The sun is rising, the birds are chirping, I still have yet to start studying. A semester's worth of reading and lectures in 26 hours. I'm FUCKED, especially because I'm going to sleep after I finish this. I hope I wake up by 12, so I can finish my three responses by 4 or 5, then study 'til the wee hours of the morning in hopes of cramming as much as I can.

Goodnight, or shall I say goodmornin'.

The world does not stop for me, so I have to stop dreaming it will.

---oh.capricious